To be direct or not be direct

A group of women sit around a table over scrumptious dinner and wine. They talk about their careers, their families, their relationships or lack thereof. At some point in the conversation one woman will inevitably ask, "What do I do?" and all the women give their opinions about what is probably going through her partner's mind, how she can resolve the situation, and what the possible outcomes may be.

Why can't we just let things be? For a woman in her 30's, she is ready to move things along for a variety of reasons, but the main one being - why wait? Will this man ever be ready? Women are generally impulsive when it comes to matters of the heart, and men are not. We convince ourselves the direct approach is the right one. Men will give us just enough so we hold on, when we really shouldn't.

A friend of mine told me to let things be and let my dating life evolve naturally. I am an action-oriented person, so this is difficult for me. I generally want to make things happen. I am impatient and impulsive (a VERY awful combination). But I am going to try this new approach. I don't quite know what it means, but I guess I'll let things happen naturally (isn't my impulsiveness natural?) on HIS end. It's going to be frustrating.

-M

Dating vs. Relationships

Over the past few months, I've blurred the line between dating and relationships. I must define both so that I am clear again. Dating is when you go out with someone and experience different things with them. Dating has no future or commitment, and can be romantic but need not be. A relationship, on the other hand, is a commitment that both parties (hopefully willingly) have decided to partake in. The parameters are clear, and future goals should be as well.

I realize that I truly enjoy dating. Yesterday a friend mentioned that she really wanted a relationship and I think, given all the disappointment I've experienced, I don't actually want or need a relationship right now, maybe ever. I see how often my friends get let down because their expectations are too high. I myself have let things "fade away" without thinking twice about it.

The bottom line is that when you like someone and want to be in a relationship and they don't, it sucks. But we all must recognize that we should only be in relationships where both parties are excited about the prospect. Timing has a lot to do with it, personalities are not the only factors involved.

So I will continue dating, and I will continue blogging. But I can't promise anything about relationships in my posts. Generally, can't promise anything about relationships period...

-M

Vulnerability

I'm still dating, but trying my best to stay focused on one guy at a time. The problem with this is, I don't want to become too focused on anyone prematurely - because I don't want to get hurt. For that matter, to be honest, I'm just sick of wasting my time.

A few days ago a friend of mine was talking about how to break up with the guy she's dating. She knows he's not the one for her, but she's having fun. I've been down that road several times and told myself that it's ok. The problem now is that I feel like I just wasted time with those guys. I mean, it was fun and maybe I learned something but in the end, the break-ups were too damn hard. Getting over a guy takes me so long that in the end I need double if not triple the amount of time I was in the relationship to get over it.

So where does that leave me? Trying not to be attached to anyone. Trying not to get too close that I could get hurt. But in the end, love is about vulnerability. You have to submit yourself to being a bit vulnerable, or you'll never be able to truly be in love. So I guess I won't let myself fall in love again until the guy is roped in first. After all, why should I have to get hurt first?

-M

How to break up with a woman

A friend of mine just had her heart broken by a putz who strung her along for 5 years. Since there are mostly men following our blog, I wanted to give them a list of rules for the future break-ups in their lives:

IN ORDER NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE:

• You must not sleep with her at all once you have decided to break up (to clarify for men who think it's not a big deal to do other things: this includes all forms of sexual behavior. You may give her a hug when you leave the premises, but that is IT. NO JOKE.)
  
  
• You must make the whole thing one of the hardest things you've ever had to do emotionally, even if it's not. (To solidify, you SHOULD CRY. Also NO JOKE).
  
  
• If your woman is over the age of 28, make her feel like she is the closest you have ever gotten to marriage (Even if it's not). You must make her feel UNIQUE to you and your relationships. Say that's what makes this so much harder. But say it's not fair to her to keep going in the comfort of a relationship when you know it's not going to end in marriage. THIS IS ABOUT HER, NOT YOU. NO JOKE.
  
  
• DO NOT bring up any one else as the reason you are breaking up. She can easily be pissed at someone else but make sure the blame is all on you (that is the LEAST asshole thing to do - trust me).
  
  
• SAY YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER when she is ready. But be clear that that should not be for a while because you will both need distance - make her feel like you need that too because it's an asshole move to say you're ready now, because that implies NO EMOTION.
  
  
• I CANNOT EMPHASIZE EMOTION ENOUGH. Remember that women ARE NOT RATIONAL in the same way men are. She will understand better if you explain that it's JUST A FEELING that you know she's not the one.

Good luck to all you men trying not to be assholes, and sorry for the women who are dating them.

-M

Finding "the One:" Perfect Condo and the Perfect Man Parallels

S and I have both dropped off the face of the earth for one reason in particular: we're both looking for "the one," and it is F*ing difficult. And the parallels between our search for the perfect condo and the perfect man are a little out of control.

Here is the thing: I am just too old for drama - in the condo I want, or the man I want. I mean, a really dirty apartment that clearly has "damage" just won't do, because I'm just not willing to put in the time for the high maintenance needed. I definitely am not in the game for a "fixer upper" and I certainly will not tolerate any major issues.

My real estate agent and my parents are in agreement that I am just too picky. I think most of my friends may agree about this. But shouldn't I be? I'm forking over my life-savings, investing in a place/person who I might be "in" (sorry for the vulgarity) for the rest of my life. I believe I have the ability to be choosy.

So every time I see one, everything is great until I find one little flaw.

The other day, it may have gone too far. Everything I wanted was there. Perfect location, perfect hard 'wood' floors, the sun definitely lightened up the apartment enough (didn't even need lights on!), clean... but there just wasn't any chemistry. I am talking about the apartment. Sort of.

There have been multiple instances where I realized that I condo/man I had seen before would have been great for me, but by the time I looked back, the listing was "under contract." I am just not quick enough, and the good ones seem to get snatched up when I'm not looking.

S pulled out of the game all together. She is terrified of committing to a place. She may say that it's because she "has grown to like her rental apartment" but let's be honest, she likes that it's a month-to-month deal and she can pick up and leave any day.

I'm afraid I may never find it. The perfect condo, or the perfect man. They say that when it's right, "you'll just know." I'm 30 now. I'll keep you updated.

-M

Medidating

S and I have been trying to look at dating and our relationships in a whole new light. We went on a silent meditation retreat, and have come up with a new plan for what we will call medidating. Here are some of the essential elements:

1. Observe yourself and your patterns, and actively try to change them. For example, if you notice that you begin a daily or multiple times daily textual, im-ing and emailing relationship before you've even been with a person for a month, maybe you can change that pattern.

2. Live in the present moment. When I've met an awesome guy, I start to dream about the future - I'll indulge myself in a make-believe kiss, or a fantasy weekend away...sometimes I do it and there is a blurred face (no man)... just a figment of my imagination. These thoughts are not healthy because I'll never be satisfied with what I actually get. Dwelling in the past isn't healthy either, especially when those relationships are long gone. Listen to your friends when they're harsh with you... get over it because "he's just not that into you." We are all so arrogant, no? We think that we're the most beautiful, or smartest, or nicest people in the world and the guy will definitely come back. Umm, no... everyone thinks that.

3. Don't look for a relationship, or wait for things to happen to you. There is definitely an element of chase that excites men, but that doesn' t mean that life will just happen for you. Your true love is not waiting outside your door and will definitely not come running if you are looking for him/her. I went on a date with this guy recently and it was like "marriage" was oozing out of his ears and eyes. I told him to try medidating and ran the other way as fast as possible. Relaxing will help him so much.

4. Recently someone mentioned an old adage about love to me: "Love is not about looking at each other. It's about looking together towards the future." While liberation is in the present moment, we have to think about the future for our life situations once in a while. When you're contemplating your relationship that you can't seem to end but you also can't seem to move forward, remember this quote. We tell ourselves that we can work things out, but really, in the end, we need to find someone who fits what we want in our future. You should know yourself well enough to know what that is, and be confident enough to do it on your own until the right partner comes along.

5. Remember the power of now. Reality is only in this moment. Now this moment. Now this one. (Whoa, it's wiggin' me out...) If you constantly live in other realities, you will never be satisfied with this one.

-M

.Com Dating

.Com dating has been intense. When I first started, I was so flattered. I mean, all these men wanted to date me??? I convinced myself that they didn't seem so bad. (Note: many .com daters write to every single girl they come across, and just wait to see which actually reply --- don't feel too special!) I remember one saturday when I had met a guy speed dating and I had two .com dates in the same day. So yes, that totaled 3 dates, but I didn't mind. I was OCDating, so I was just a woman on a serious mission - like S's family friend.

The first of the three was the speed-dating guy, and I swear I didn't realize he wasn't born in the US until that day. I had spoken to him for 3 full minutes the week earlier and I couldn't believe that I didn't get that. The next was this guy on one of the .coms that seriously seemed absolutely perfect on his profile. He was well-traveled, smart, and a vegan. I don't know what made me think that our personalities would just click, but let me tell you - they did not, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't wearing deoderant. He was totally socially incompetent - and at the end of the night, (when I was trying to get to my third date), he invited himself along to "meeting my friend out for a drink." Now, I'm not so stupid that I'd actually have my second date come to my third date, but I did get a friend to come out and meet me for a drink. She was miserable talking to this guy within seconds, and the rest of the time we were at the bar, all we were doing was making jokes about getting away.

I ended up making it to the third date too late. I didn't meet the guy, and I was not disappointed. I couldn't remember which guy he was anymore - was he the rock-climber I'd talked to from Poughkipsee, or the investment banker from Jersey City? Needless to say, if you're going to do the .com dates, don't drown in all the dates. Have fun with it, and the second you realize you're not, get out.

Here are some tips:

1. Don't talk to too many guys at the same time. You won't be able to keep them straight, and you won't have enough focused time on any one guy. Then you'll continue to date each of them without ever getting anywhere (and you know that they'll all find other people before you because they'll be only dating one other girl.) S says that they can tell when a girl is dating many other men. I don't personally think they're that smart.
   
2. Don't go on more than one date in one day. Even if you disperse them enough throughout one day, it's impossible to feel good at the next date because you're talking about the same things. I felt like a skipping CD.
   
3. If you've been through the steps of online dating - winking ...then emailing... then talking on the phone, then do your very best to make sure that the first date is not just a drink at a bar or coffee, or (definitely) not a meal. The thing is, they are always going to feel like interviews, how ever long you "talk" in advance. And interviews may go well, but they don't feel like relationships for a while. Do something unique. Go for a walk in the park with your dogs, or do something artsy together. This way, you'll have things to talk about (and you're building an interesting history) right off the bat.
   
4. Keep your expectations low. I mean, I did meet a guy that I became really good friends with through .com dating, but that's so rare, and believe me, that's one good story out of lots and lots --- I tried for a while. Realize that people think of themselves highly so their profiles don't necessarily reflect the truth. Realize that it's a really low possibility that you'll actually click with someone you met online the first date. But if you're OCD like us, it is definitely a way to get your mind off of other things, and to keep busy. I would recommend a .com date after you go out with someone you really like (especially if you're a woman). It'll get your mind off the guy you're really interested in, and it's always best not to sit around and wait by the phone!

Good luck! My last .com date was a bit of a disaster. I ended up calling off all other .com dates for the week. I can't even pinpoint the thing that was actually wrong. I guess it may just not be for me...

-M