.Com Dating

.Com dating has been intense. When I first started, I was so flattered. I mean, all these men wanted to date me??? I convinced myself that they didn't seem so bad. (Note: many .com daters write to every single girl they come across, and just wait to see which actually reply --- don't feel too special!) I remember one saturday when I had met a guy speed dating and I had two .com dates in the same day. So yes, that totaled 3 dates, but I didn't mind. I was OCDating, so I was just a woman on a serious mission - like S's family friend.

The first of the three was the speed-dating guy, and I swear I didn't realize he wasn't born in the US until that day. I had spoken to him for 3 full minutes the week earlier and I couldn't believe that I didn't get that. The next was this guy on one of the .coms that seriously seemed absolutely perfect on his profile. He was well-traveled, smart, and a vegan. I don't know what made me think that our personalities would just click, but let me tell you - they did not, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't wearing deoderant. He was totally socially incompetent - and at the end of the night, (when I was trying to get to my third date), he invited himself along to "meeting my friend out for a drink." Now, I'm not so stupid that I'd actually have my second date come to my third date, but I did get a friend to come out and meet me for a drink. She was miserable talking to this guy within seconds, and the rest of the time we were at the bar, all we were doing was making jokes about getting away.

I ended up making it to the third date too late. I didn't meet the guy, and I was not disappointed. I couldn't remember which guy he was anymore - was he the rock-climber I'd talked to from Poughkipsee, or the investment banker from Jersey City? Needless to say, if you're going to do the .com dates, don't drown in all the dates. Have fun with it, and the second you realize you're not, get out.

Here are some tips:

1. Don't talk to too many guys at the same time. You won't be able to keep them straight, and you won't have enough focused time on any one guy. Then you'll continue to date each of them without ever getting anywhere (and you know that they'll all find other people before you because they'll be only dating one other girl.) S says that they can tell when a girl is dating many other men. I don't personally think they're that smart.
   
2. Don't go on more than one date in one day. Even if you disperse them enough throughout one day, it's impossible to feel good at the next date because you're talking about the same things. I felt like a skipping CD.
   
3. If you've been through the steps of online dating - winking ...then emailing... then talking on the phone, then do your very best to make sure that the first date is not just a drink at a bar or coffee, or (definitely) not a meal. The thing is, they are always going to feel like interviews, how ever long you "talk" in advance. And interviews may go well, but they don't feel like relationships for a while. Do something unique. Go for a walk in the park with your dogs, or do something artsy together. This way, you'll have things to talk about (and you're building an interesting history) right off the bat.
   
4. Keep your expectations low. I mean, I did meet a guy that I became really good friends with through .com dating, but that's so rare, and believe me, that's one good story out of lots and lots --- I tried for a while. Realize that people think of themselves highly so their profiles don't necessarily reflect the truth. Realize that it's a really low possibility that you'll actually click with someone you met online the first date. But if you're OCD like us, it is definitely a way to get your mind off of other things, and to keep busy. I would recommend a .com date after you go out with someone you really like (especially if you're a woman). It'll get your mind off the guy you're really interested in, and it's always best not to sit around and wait by the phone!

Good luck! My last .com date was a bit of a disaster. I ended up calling off all other .com dates for the week. I can't even pinpoint the thing that was actually wrong. I guess it may just not be for me...

-M

Man on a mission!

Here's a story about another family set-up..... I was set up with this guy through some family friends. Turned out he had gone to school with one of my friends, was second cousins with another, and long-time family friends with another....the usual small world scenario. Everyone had decent things to say about him. His parents were in town and wanted us all to meet (by us I assumed his parents, my parents, myself and him). Turned out he wasn't going to make it and the parents just wanted to meet me. I almost lost it when I heard this and refused to show up...come on...we are not in 18th century anymore where I need to be "approved" by his parents and only then deemed worthy to meet their son. Anyway, the parents talked and finally decided that maybe the boy and I should perhaps talk first...makes sense, right???? So I call and leave a message. He had no idea who I was. We chatted decided to meet up. Was a very amicable encounter but nothing to write home about. He asked me to call him when I got home, which I did and that was the last I heard from him until my best friend's wedding 2 months later (also his cousin). I was a bridesmaid at the wedding and I bumped into him on the way into the reception. We chatted for a bit at the reception and I introduced him to my other friend who was also a bridesmaid. By the end of the night he had asked for her number. Nothing came of it, but now two months later I just found out that he is getting engaged to another girl 4 years younger than him. This guy either gets around or was on a serious mission...engaged in 3 months! Again..like I said before...he was ready for commitment! Pick 'em while you can because they start dropping out like flies once they decide they are ready!

-S

Changing a man

Well, S - I have to say, your friend (and all of us women who do this to ourselves) deserve what we get! I mean, if we keep going back to the cheating men and we know how our friends disapprove, then it's our own faults, no?

I went back to my cheating boyfriend years ago. He slept with other women, and I wouldn't speak to him for 2 years. Four years after the incident and the break-up, he came back to me and I took him back. Why? Well, because I thought he'd changed. One thing we all tell ourselves is that men can change. However, incident after incident teaches us that it just doesn't happen --- throughout time we've learned that men just don't change.

Henry the VIII had six wives, and all of them were afraid for their lives because he had divorced his most loyal first wife, and killed the second. Yet every single one of the subsequent wives thought, "I'll be the one. I'll be the one to change him, and he'll be my husband and king forever."

We think maybe it'll be like in the movies, all of a sudden Robin Williams learns responsibility like in Mrs. Doubtfire, or there is a moment of realization like in Harry Met Sally, but seriously ladies- let's all learn to be honest with ourselves. We deserve everything we get because we know it's not possible but we think he'll learn to be on time, I'll be the one to tame the player, teach him not to drink as much, teach him to pick up after himself, maybe even get him to go to church once in a while. He's always going to drink, if he's a player now he'll be a player later, he will never pick up after himself, and he most definitely won't learn to be on time.

I've recently had this inclination to get in touch with this guy from 4th grade who used to since a song "I pick my nose and I eat it..." just to see if he had changed. I really doubt it...

-M

Standing on the tracks as the train comes closer....

How do you watch your best friend go down the same path of self-destruction over and over and over again....

Here's the scoop: A good friend of mine was dating a senior co-worker (big no-no #1). The romance initially started when she began helping him on some projects, which lead to meals outside the workplace, flirting at afterwork happy hours, eventually leading to "sleep-overs" (No real courtship/dating- no-no #2). She had just gotten out of a long relationship and was most likely rebounding. Needless to say, this continued for many months over which she discovered that there was a former ex-gf he was still in contact with (be aware of cheators- this was the first sign!). Their secret romance continued until a new bella joined the group. Before she knew it he was cheating on her, and she was watching them going to dinners, him sending her flowers, and planning vacations together that she had initially intended on taking with him. All of sudden she realized he was capable of all those romantic gestures she longed for from him and it wasn't so important to him anymore to be hush hush about his romance at work.

A year goes by with her watching this day in and day out with interspersed calls from him whenever things were a bit rocky with the "girlfriend" to seek advice from my friend. She responded to his calls on occasion (more often than not) with her own bouts of anger/ frustration towards him attempting to salvage a "friendship." (Can you really still be friends with someone you've dated, that cheated on you? Or is that just a hope that by sticking around he might come back?) Eventually, the new bella dumps his ass and he comes crying to my friend for "advice." Telling her how he could not understand what happend, he cared about her so much..etc...he fails to remember that he is saying these things to the same person that was on the receiving end from him. Occasional phone calls/ texts/ chatting has since turned into more frequent calls with him at her doorstep with flowers and candy on her birthday and at her bday dinner (usually a very intimate affair at our usual favorite place where we freely talk about the manys boys and toys in our lives). Needless to say, through this whole saga of 2 years, this was the first time we were meeting him.

I am not passing any judgements or say anything bad about my friend...she is extremely dear to me..but I just hate to see her go through this again. We as girls, no matter how bright and independent, and despite all the great advice we give each other, sometimes fail to hear those same words when it pertains to us. It's truly incredible! I, myself have been guilty of this very same thing numerous times. Of course it's always easy see things when you are outside the box but we have to get better at seeing things even from the inside...especially when it's not the first time. History tends to repeat itself and as much as we want to believe that people change and things can change....they need to prove that and earn it back not so easily. Who is to say that if he went for something "better" (as she put it) the first time it won't happen again.

So now, we sit back and hope for the best. Can't say anything to her now when we have already said all these things to her in the past with little or no avail. (Again, we've all been there at some point) At this point, if we say negative things, we are just forcing her to turn away and not confide in us. She is an adult capable of making her own decisions....we can just hope that she makes the right ones and for the right reasons! You need to love yourself first, you can't expect other people to love you more and have your best interests in mind...it's a selfish world out there....everyone is out for their own gain....

-S

Boys, boys, boys......

Until that little switch inside of them goes off and tells them to settle down, there is nothing in this world that will make them. On the other hand, when the switch does go off...they are engaged and married within a year...I don't get it???

Why they put out all these mixed messages?? who knows?? Maybe to ensure that there is always someone around? To have different booty on different days of the week? They don't know what they want? Do they want someone to smoke up with and have drunken sex or someone to have intelligent conversation with over a glass of red? Maybe it's drunken sex on saturdays and intelligent conversation on wednesdays??

So far what I have realized is that when they know they have your attention/ or sense you are seeking them out, all of a sudden maybe that is not what they want. We need to stop chasing them and just let it be. In the end, until that little switch goes off, they are never ready. Even if you are the right girl...as another friend of mine said "right person at the wrong time = wrong person"

I have completely thrown myself into the dating scene again...at times I feel like I'm drowning in it and just want to get the hell out. You know it's bad when you start mixing them up and forget who's who...

-S

Facebook date swap

One of my favorite recent stories is about this guy who a family member set me up with. Now, normally any family-member set up sucks and I don't know why I even consider it. But this one seemed promising (as they all somehow feel at the initial stages before you've met the dude) and so I got his number and called him. After the appropriate number of phone-tag games, we finally had a chance to chat.

The conversation wasn't awful (except for maybe the part where he talked about how low his salary was even thought I know he must make triple digits ... does he get the meaning of the word poverty?) but he and my friend M (who writes on this blog too) are in the same field so I mentioned her full name. Two minutes later, he looked her up on facebook, mentioned she was cute and then said, "Hey, so I wrote her a facebook message - just let her know I'm not some random so she'll write me back." I couldn't understand. Did he really just write my friend on facebook WHILE we were still on the phone? For real? I asked him, and his response was, "Oh, ok... here I just wrote you too." (!!!)

Needless to say, I was not phased. I've been obsessive compulsive dating for a while. M called me later to let me know that he had asked her what she was doing this weekend. I'm glad our convo got her a real date.

-M

What it is, and what we have done

Dating sucks, but the truth is, there are some people out there who do it for fun and who do it obsessively. We are those people. We get pressure from the world that we're women close to and over 30 and we need to be married and popping out babies. Instead, we are obsessively compulsively dating. So here are some of our stories.