How to break up with a woman

A friend of mine just had her heart broken by a putz who strung her along for 5 years. Since there are mostly men following our blog, I wanted to give them a list of rules for the future break-ups in their lives:

IN ORDER NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE:

• You must not sleep with her at all once you have decided to break up (to clarify for men who think it's not a big deal to do other things: this includes all forms of sexual behavior. You may give her a hug when you leave the premises, but that is IT. NO JOKE.)
  
  
• You must make the whole thing one of the hardest things you've ever had to do emotionally, even if it's not. (To solidify, you SHOULD CRY. Also NO JOKE).
  
  
• If your woman is over the age of 28, make her feel like she is the closest you have ever gotten to marriage (Even if it's not). You must make her feel UNIQUE to you and your relationships. Say that's what makes this so much harder. But say it's not fair to her to keep going in the comfort of a relationship when you know it's not going to end in marriage. THIS IS ABOUT HER, NOT YOU. NO JOKE.
  
  
• DO NOT bring up any one else as the reason you are breaking up. She can easily be pissed at someone else but make sure the blame is all on you (that is the LEAST asshole thing to do - trust me).
  
  
• SAY YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER when she is ready. But be clear that that should not be for a while because you will both need distance - make her feel like you need that too because it's an asshole move to say you're ready now, because that implies NO EMOTION.
  
  
• I CANNOT EMPHASIZE EMOTION ENOUGH. Remember that women ARE NOT RATIONAL in the same way men are. She will understand better if you explain that it's JUST A FEELING that you know she's not the one.

Good luck to all you men trying not to be assholes, and sorry for the women who are dating them.

-M

Finding "the One:" Perfect Condo and the Perfect Man Parallels

S and I have both dropped off the face of the earth for one reason in particular: we're both looking for "the one," and it is F*ing difficult. And the parallels between our search for the perfect condo and the perfect man are a little out of control.

Here is the thing: I am just too old for drama - in the condo I want, or the man I want. I mean, a really dirty apartment that clearly has "damage" just won't do, because I'm just not willing to put in the time for the high maintenance needed. I definitely am not in the game for a "fixer upper" and I certainly will not tolerate any major issues.

My real estate agent and my parents are in agreement that I am just too picky. I think most of my friends may agree about this. But shouldn't I be? I'm forking over my life-savings, investing in a place/person who I might be "in" (sorry for the vulgarity) for the rest of my life. I believe I have the ability to be choosy.

So every time I see one, everything is great until I find one little flaw.

The other day, it may have gone too far. Everything I wanted was there. Perfect location, perfect hard 'wood' floors, the sun definitely lightened up the apartment enough (didn't even need lights on!), clean... but there just wasn't any chemistry. I am talking about the apartment. Sort of.

There have been multiple instances where I realized that I condo/man I had seen before would have been great for me, but by the time I looked back, the listing was "under contract." I am just not quick enough, and the good ones seem to get snatched up when I'm not looking.

S pulled out of the game all together. She is terrified of committing to a place. She may say that it's because she "has grown to like her rental apartment" but let's be honest, she likes that it's a month-to-month deal and she can pick up and leave any day.

I'm afraid I may never find it. The perfect condo, or the perfect man. They say that when it's right, "you'll just know." I'm 30 now. I'll keep you updated.

-M

Medidating

S and I have been trying to look at dating and our relationships in a whole new light. We went on a silent meditation retreat, and have come up with a new plan for what we will call medidating. Here are some of the essential elements:

1. Observe yourself and your patterns, and actively try to change them. For example, if you notice that you begin a daily or multiple times daily textual, im-ing and emailing relationship before you've even been with a person for a month, maybe you can change that pattern.

2. Live in the present moment. When I've met an awesome guy, I start to dream about the future - I'll indulge myself in a make-believe kiss, or a fantasy weekend away...sometimes I do it and there is a blurred face (no man)... just a figment of my imagination. These thoughts are not healthy because I'll never be satisfied with what I actually get. Dwelling in the past isn't healthy either, especially when those relationships are long gone. Listen to your friends when they're harsh with you... get over it because "he's just not that into you." We are all so arrogant, no? We think that we're the most beautiful, or smartest, or nicest people in the world and the guy will definitely come back. Umm, no... everyone thinks that.

3. Don't look for a relationship, or wait for things to happen to you. There is definitely an element of chase that excites men, but that doesn' t mean that life will just happen for you. Your true love is not waiting outside your door and will definitely not come running if you are looking for him/her. I went on a date with this guy recently and it was like "marriage" was oozing out of his ears and eyes. I told him to try medidating and ran the other way as fast as possible. Relaxing will help him so much.

4. Recently someone mentioned an old adage about love to me: "Love is not about looking at each other. It's about looking together towards the future." While liberation is in the present moment, we have to think about the future for our life situations once in a while. When you're contemplating your relationship that you can't seem to end but you also can't seem to move forward, remember this quote. We tell ourselves that we can work things out, but really, in the end, we need to find someone who fits what we want in our future. You should know yourself well enough to know what that is, and be confident enough to do it on your own until the right partner comes along.

5. Remember the power of now. Reality is only in this moment. Now this moment. Now this one. (Whoa, it's wiggin' me out...) If you constantly live in other realities, you will never be satisfied with this one.

-M