How to break up with a woman

A friend of mine just had her heart broken by a putz who strung her along for 5 years. Since there are mostly men following our blog, I wanted to give them a list of rules for the future break-ups in their lives:

IN ORDER NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE:

• You must not sleep with her at all once you have decided to break up (to clarify for men who think it's not a big deal to do other things: this includes all forms of sexual behavior. You may give her a hug when you leave the premises, but that is IT. NO JOKE.)
  
  
• You must make the whole thing one of the hardest things you've ever had to do emotionally, even if it's not. (To solidify, you SHOULD CRY. Also NO JOKE).
  
  
• If your woman is over the age of 28, make her feel like she is the closest you have ever gotten to marriage (Even if it's not). You must make her feel UNIQUE to you and your relationships. Say that's what makes this so much harder. But say it's not fair to her to keep going in the comfort of a relationship when you know it's not going to end in marriage. THIS IS ABOUT HER, NOT YOU. NO JOKE.
  
  
• DO NOT bring up any one else as the reason you are breaking up. She can easily be pissed at someone else but make sure the blame is all on you (that is the LEAST asshole thing to do - trust me).
  
  
• SAY YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER when she is ready. But be clear that that should not be for a while because you will both need distance - make her feel like you need that too because it's an asshole move to say you're ready now, because that implies NO EMOTION.
  
  
• I CANNOT EMPHASIZE EMOTION ENOUGH. Remember that women ARE NOT RATIONAL in the same way men are. She will understand better if you explain that it's JUST A FEELING that you know she's not the one.

Good luck to all you men trying not to be assholes, and sorry for the women who are dating them.

-M

Finding "the One:" Perfect Condo and the Perfect Man Parallels

S and I have both dropped off the face of the earth for one reason in particular: we're both looking for "the one," and it is F*ing difficult. And the parallels between our search for the perfect condo and the perfect man are a little out of control.

Here is the thing: I am just too old for drama - in the condo I want, or the man I want. I mean, a really dirty apartment that clearly has "damage" just won't do, because I'm just not willing to put in the time for the high maintenance needed. I definitely am not in the game for a "fixer upper" and I certainly will not tolerate any major issues.

My real estate agent and my parents are in agreement that I am just too picky. I think most of my friends may agree about this. But shouldn't I be? I'm forking over my life-savings, investing in a place/person who I might be "in" (sorry for the vulgarity) for the rest of my life. I believe I have the ability to be choosy.

So every time I see one, everything is great until I find one little flaw.

The other day, it may have gone too far. Everything I wanted was there. Perfect location, perfect hard 'wood' floors, the sun definitely lightened up the apartment enough (didn't even need lights on!), clean... but there just wasn't any chemistry. I am talking about the apartment. Sort of.

There have been multiple instances where I realized that I condo/man I had seen before would have been great for me, but by the time I looked back, the listing was "under contract." I am just not quick enough, and the good ones seem to get snatched up when I'm not looking.

S pulled out of the game all together. She is terrified of committing to a place. She may say that it's because she "has grown to like her rental apartment" but let's be honest, she likes that it's a month-to-month deal and she can pick up and leave any day.

I'm afraid I may never find it. The perfect condo, or the perfect man. They say that when it's right, "you'll just know." I'm 30 now. I'll keep you updated.

-M

Medidating

S and I have been trying to look at dating and our relationships in a whole new light. We went on a silent meditation retreat, and have come up with a new plan for what we will call medidating. Here are some of the essential elements:

1. Observe yourself and your patterns, and actively try to change them. For example, if you notice that you begin a daily or multiple times daily textual, im-ing and emailing relationship before you've even been with a person for a month, maybe you can change that pattern.

2. Live in the present moment. When I've met an awesome guy, I start to dream about the future - I'll indulge myself in a make-believe kiss, or a fantasy weekend away...sometimes I do it and there is a blurred face (no man)... just a figment of my imagination. These thoughts are not healthy because I'll never be satisfied with what I actually get. Dwelling in the past isn't healthy either, especially when those relationships are long gone. Listen to your friends when they're harsh with you... get over it because "he's just not that into you." We are all so arrogant, no? We think that we're the most beautiful, or smartest, or nicest people in the world and the guy will definitely come back. Umm, no... everyone thinks that.

3. Don't look for a relationship, or wait for things to happen to you. There is definitely an element of chase that excites men, but that doesn' t mean that life will just happen for you. Your true love is not waiting outside your door and will definitely not come running if you are looking for him/her. I went on a date with this guy recently and it was like "marriage" was oozing out of his ears and eyes. I told him to try medidating and ran the other way as fast as possible. Relaxing will help him so much.

4. Recently someone mentioned an old adage about love to me: "Love is not about looking at each other. It's about looking together towards the future." While liberation is in the present moment, we have to think about the future for our life situations once in a while. When you're contemplating your relationship that you can't seem to end but you also can't seem to move forward, remember this quote. We tell ourselves that we can work things out, but really, in the end, we need to find someone who fits what we want in our future. You should know yourself well enough to know what that is, and be confident enough to do it on your own until the right partner comes along.

5. Remember the power of now. Reality is only in this moment. Now this moment. Now this one. (Whoa, it's wiggin' me out...) If you constantly live in other realities, you will never be satisfied with this one.

-M

.Com Dating

.Com dating has been intense. When I first started, I was so flattered. I mean, all these men wanted to date me??? I convinced myself that they didn't seem so bad. (Note: many .com daters write to every single girl they come across, and just wait to see which actually reply --- don't feel too special!) I remember one saturday when I had met a guy speed dating and I had two .com dates in the same day. So yes, that totaled 3 dates, but I didn't mind. I was OCDating, so I was just a woman on a serious mission - like S's family friend.

The first of the three was the speed-dating guy, and I swear I didn't realize he wasn't born in the US until that day. I had spoken to him for 3 full minutes the week earlier and I couldn't believe that I didn't get that. The next was this guy on one of the .coms that seriously seemed absolutely perfect on his profile. He was well-traveled, smart, and a vegan. I don't know what made me think that our personalities would just click, but let me tell you - they did not, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't wearing deoderant. He was totally socially incompetent - and at the end of the night, (when I was trying to get to my third date), he invited himself along to "meeting my friend out for a drink." Now, I'm not so stupid that I'd actually have my second date come to my third date, but I did get a friend to come out and meet me for a drink. She was miserable talking to this guy within seconds, and the rest of the time we were at the bar, all we were doing was making jokes about getting away.

I ended up making it to the third date too late. I didn't meet the guy, and I was not disappointed. I couldn't remember which guy he was anymore - was he the rock-climber I'd talked to from Poughkipsee, or the investment banker from Jersey City? Needless to say, if you're going to do the .com dates, don't drown in all the dates. Have fun with it, and the second you realize you're not, get out.

Here are some tips:

1. Don't talk to too many guys at the same time. You won't be able to keep them straight, and you won't have enough focused time on any one guy. Then you'll continue to date each of them without ever getting anywhere (and you know that they'll all find other people before you because they'll be only dating one other girl.) S says that they can tell when a girl is dating many other men. I don't personally think they're that smart.
   
2. Don't go on more than one date in one day. Even if you disperse them enough throughout one day, it's impossible to feel good at the next date because you're talking about the same things. I felt like a skipping CD.
   
3. If you've been through the steps of online dating - winking ...then emailing... then talking on the phone, then do your very best to make sure that the first date is not just a drink at a bar or coffee, or (definitely) not a meal. The thing is, they are always going to feel like interviews, how ever long you "talk" in advance. And interviews may go well, but they don't feel like relationships for a while. Do something unique. Go for a walk in the park with your dogs, or do something artsy together. This way, you'll have things to talk about (and you're building an interesting history) right off the bat.
   
4. Keep your expectations low. I mean, I did meet a guy that I became really good friends with through .com dating, but that's so rare, and believe me, that's one good story out of lots and lots --- I tried for a while. Realize that people think of themselves highly so their profiles don't necessarily reflect the truth. Realize that it's a really low possibility that you'll actually click with someone you met online the first date. But if you're OCD like us, it is definitely a way to get your mind off of other things, and to keep busy. I would recommend a .com date after you go out with someone you really like (especially if you're a woman). It'll get your mind off the guy you're really interested in, and it's always best not to sit around and wait by the phone!

Good luck! My last .com date was a bit of a disaster. I ended up calling off all other .com dates for the week. I can't even pinpoint the thing that was actually wrong. I guess it may just not be for me...

-M

Man on a mission!

Here's a story about another family set-up..... I was set up with this guy through some family friends. Turned out he had gone to school with one of my friends, was second cousins with another, and long-time family friends with another....the usual small world scenario. Everyone had decent things to say about him. His parents were in town and wanted us all to meet (by us I assumed his parents, my parents, myself and him). Turned out he wasn't going to make it and the parents just wanted to meet me. I almost lost it when I heard this and refused to show up...come on...we are not in 18th century anymore where I need to be "approved" by his parents and only then deemed worthy to meet their son. Anyway, the parents talked and finally decided that maybe the boy and I should perhaps talk first...makes sense, right???? So I call and leave a message. He had no idea who I was. We chatted decided to meet up. Was a very amicable encounter but nothing to write home about. He asked me to call him when I got home, which I did and that was the last I heard from him until my best friend's wedding 2 months later (also his cousin). I was a bridesmaid at the wedding and I bumped into him on the way into the reception. We chatted for a bit at the reception and I introduced him to my other friend who was also a bridesmaid. By the end of the night he had asked for her number. Nothing came of it, but now two months later I just found out that he is getting engaged to another girl 4 years younger than him. This guy either gets around or was on a serious mission...engaged in 3 months! Again..like I said before...he was ready for commitment! Pick 'em while you can because they start dropping out like flies once they decide they are ready!

-S

Changing a man

Well, S - I have to say, your friend (and all of us women who do this to ourselves) deserve what we get! I mean, if we keep going back to the cheating men and we know how our friends disapprove, then it's our own faults, no?

I went back to my cheating boyfriend years ago. He slept with other women, and I wouldn't speak to him for 2 years. Four years after the incident and the break-up, he came back to me and I took him back. Why? Well, because I thought he'd changed. One thing we all tell ourselves is that men can change. However, incident after incident teaches us that it just doesn't happen --- throughout time we've learned that men just don't change.

Henry the VIII had six wives, and all of them were afraid for their lives because he had divorced his most loyal first wife, and killed the second. Yet every single one of the subsequent wives thought, "I'll be the one. I'll be the one to change him, and he'll be my husband and king forever."

We think maybe it'll be like in the movies, all of a sudden Robin Williams learns responsibility like in Mrs. Doubtfire, or there is a moment of realization like in Harry Met Sally, but seriously ladies- let's all learn to be honest with ourselves. We deserve everything we get because we know it's not possible but we think he'll learn to be on time, I'll be the one to tame the player, teach him not to drink as much, teach him to pick up after himself, maybe even get him to go to church once in a while. He's always going to drink, if he's a player now he'll be a player later, he will never pick up after himself, and he most definitely won't learn to be on time.

I've recently had this inclination to get in touch with this guy from 4th grade who used to since a song "I pick my nose and I eat it..." just to see if he had changed. I really doubt it...

-M

Standing on the tracks as the train comes closer....

How do you watch your best friend go down the same path of self-destruction over and over and over again....

Here's the scoop: A good friend of mine was dating a senior co-worker (big no-no #1). The romance initially started when she began helping him on some projects, which lead to meals outside the workplace, flirting at afterwork happy hours, eventually leading to "sleep-overs" (No real courtship/dating- no-no #2). She had just gotten out of a long relationship and was most likely rebounding. Needless to say, this continued for many months over which she discovered that there was a former ex-gf he was still in contact with (be aware of cheators- this was the first sign!). Their secret romance continued until a new bella joined the group. Before she knew it he was cheating on her, and she was watching them going to dinners, him sending her flowers, and planning vacations together that she had initially intended on taking with him. All of sudden she realized he was capable of all those romantic gestures she longed for from him and it wasn't so important to him anymore to be hush hush about his romance at work.

A year goes by with her watching this day in and day out with interspersed calls from him whenever things were a bit rocky with the "girlfriend" to seek advice from my friend. She responded to his calls on occasion (more often than not) with her own bouts of anger/ frustration towards him attempting to salvage a "friendship." (Can you really still be friends with someone you've dated, that cheated on you? Or is that just a hope that by sticking around he might come back?) Eventually, the new bella dumps his ass and he comes crying to my friend for "advice." Telling her how he could not understand what happend, he cared about her so much..etc...he fails to remember that he is saying these things to the same person that was on the receiving end from him. Occasional phone calls/ texts/ chatting has since turned into more frequent calls with him at her doorstep with flowers and candy on her birthday and at her bday dinner (usually a very intimate affair at our usual favorite place where we freely talk about the manys boys and toys in our lives). Needless to say, through this whole saga of 2 years, this was the first time we were meeting him.

I am not passing any judgements or say anything bad about my friend...she is extremely dear to me..but I just hate to see her go through this again. We as girls, no matter how bright and independent, and despite all the great advice we give each other, sometimes fail to hear those same words when it pertains to us. It's truly incredible! I, myself have been guilty of this very same thing numerous times. Of course it's always easy see things when you are outside the box but we have to get better at seeing things even from the inside...especially when it's not the first time. History tends to repeat itself and as much as we want to believe that people change and things can change....they need to prove that and earn it back not so easily. Who is to say that if he went for something "better" (as she put it) the first time it won't happen again.

So now, we sit back and hope for the best. Can't say anything to her now when we have already said all these things to her in the past with little or no avail. (Again, we've all been there at some point) At this point, if we say negative things, we are just forcing her to turn away and not confide in us. She is an adult capable of making her own decisions....we can just hope that she makes the right ones and for the right reasons! You need to love yourself first, you can't expect other people to love you more and have your best interests in mind...it's a selfish world out there....everyone is out for their own gain....

-S